The Weight of Unresolved Pain

Have you ever carried a wound so deep that it feels like it defines you? Trauma has a way of doing that—wrapping itself around our hearts and minds, dictating how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Whether it’s betrayal, abuse, or loss, trauma whispers, This is who you are now.

But what if this is far from the truth? What if there is a way how to get free from the grip of trauma? For many, forgiveness is a crucial component in moving on. No, I’m not suggesting simply forgetting what happened and moving on or pretending the pain doesn’t matter and minimizing the traumatic experience. Please, don’t minimize what happened to you. Your pain does matter and is very real.

To forgive others is profoundly powerful—it truly is about regaining peace, reclaiming your life, and having the ability to move forward with freedom. Forgiving is not just some sort of spiritual ideal or discipline or a benefit for the transgressor. It’s a tangible, healing practice supported by theology and psychology. And if you’ve ever doubted whether you can genuinely recover from the pain you’ve experienced, let me tell you that you can.

What is pseudo-forgiveness?

There are different forms of forgiveness. One, for example, is forgiveness as a choice. However, that does not necessarily mean your emotions comply with your decision. Emotional forgiveness is a second form and is so much more difficult. Nevertheless, it often starts with a choice first, but your emotion needs more time to truly “feel” you’ve forgiven. Pseudo-forgiveness is when you express forgiveness but have no attitude change or keep feeling emotions of unforgiveness. Unforgiving emotions result in having an unfavorable perception of the offender, holding grudges, and still feeling angry (Quinney et al., 2024).

Forgiveness is crucial in the moral repair process. Pseudo-forgiveness is the less sincere version of the original. A joint interactive process of coping with the wrongdoing can lead to more genuine forgiveness. Sometimes, it’s too early for the hurting person to communicate forgiveness, leading to an unwanted, ingenuine pseudo-forgiveness. However, other studies found that delayed coping can lead to long-term unhealthy conditions. The earlier you forgive, the healthier for you. Especially for married couples. Chances for your marriage to heal from a big offense are higher when you choose to work on the marriage in the first week of the offense. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will become to mend the relationship. But with God, all things are possible.

What Forgiveness Really Is—and Isn’t

Forgiveness often gets misunderstood, and there can be confusion about what forgiveness means. Some believe it’s about excusing bad behavior or allowing toxic people back into your life. Others think it means minimizing the pain they’ve endured. But real forgiveness is none of those things.

Psychologically, forgiveness is the intentional decision to let go of resentment and release the grip that someone else’s actions have on your emotional well-being. It’s not about excusing what happened—it’s about choosing not to let it define your future. 

Theologically, forgiveness is an act of grace inspired by the forgiveness we receive from God. The Bible repeatedly calls us to forgive—not because it’s easy, but because it’s transformative. 

This divine command isn’t meant to burden us but to free us. When you forgive, you start to recover from the past and set yourself up for a more promising future. It is not about the one who hurt you but about your healing.

The Transformative Power of Forgiveness

You might be wondering: How can forgiveness help me heal from trauma? Let’s dive into how forgiveness transforms both the heart and the mind.

1. Forgiveness Releases the Burden of Resentment

Ruminating about a person or incident is exhausting, and so is resentment. Hating someone can become so toxic and robs you of your energy. A heart filled with anger, pain, and bitterness will poison the atmosphere and negatively affect anyone who meets it.

It is like keeping a rotten apple in your purse and carrying it wherever you go. Not only does it stink, but it also attratcs unwanted fruit flies. Nasty! Forgiveness is the act of cleaning out your purse (or backpack). I think I had more rotten apples in my school backpack than I can count. The smell, ugh! Clean it up. Choose to stop carrying it around. Studies show that people who forgive experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. When you forgive, you’re not just letting go of the person who hurt you—you’re freeing yourself.

2. Forgiveness Heals Emotional Wounds

Unforgiveness keeps emotional wounds open. Whenever you replay the hurt in your mind, it’s like picking at a scab that never gets the chance to heal. Forgiveness allows the healing process to begin. Research in psychology highlights that forgiveness is linked to better mental health, improved relationships, and physical well-being.

3. Forgiveness Builds Resilience

Trauma can leave you feeling powerless, but forgiveness restores your strength. It’s your decision—not for the person who hurt you, but for yourself. You build emotional resilience when you forgive. It is like a valuable teacher who shows you that you can develop strength even in the middle of pain. Do you feel weak after anger rages and hatred? Isn’t it exhausting? Regain strength—forgive.

4. Forgiveness Aligns with God’s Grace

Forgiveness takes on even deeper meaning if you’re a person of faith. When you forgive, you’re reflecting God’s character. You’re stepping into the grace that has been freely given to you. And in doing so, you experience a closeness to God that can be profoundly healing.

Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

6 Steps for Cultivate Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not always a one-time choice. I can remember many instances in the past in which I had to forgive repeatedly because I just wasn’t feeling it. Other times, when angry thoughts or unsettling feelings appeared, I had to tell myself, “Hey, remember? “You’ve forgiven!” It is sometimes a process that requires a choice, patience, and a lot of grace. Here are some practical points to consider:

1. Acknowledge Your Pain

The first step is accepting and acknowledging the damage and hurt that has been done to your soul. It is a requirement to be able to extend genuine forgiveness. Let yourself experience the feelings of anger, despair, or betrayal caused by another person’s actions. You cannot recover if you choose to repress or minimize your feelings. Repressing your emotions will not result in healing. Actively try to connect with your true feelings.

2. Seek Support

Yes, seek counseling or mentorship. Healing can be extremely difficult when our emotions are all over the place and our vision is cloudy. You may need assistance adjusting your viewpoint or having someone point out truths. Talking to someone else protects you from isolation and being alone. A pastor, counselor, or friend can significantly help. Find someone to support you as you recover and forgive others. The great thing about faith-based counseling and therapy is that it combines psychological understanding with theological concepts.

3. Pray and Reflect

As a believer, you have this powerful tool: prayer. Ask God for the strength to forgive others and the grace to see the situation through His eyes. Meditate on scriptures that emphasize forgiveness and healing. All truth is God’s truth. Jesus has forgiven the worst sinners and is a beautiful role model to you.

4. Practice Empathy

This step can be super challenging, but it’s so incredibly transformative. Try to be merciful with the person who hurt you—not to excuse their actions, but to see their humanity. Recognizing that we all fall short can soften the edges of resentment and protect you from becoming judgmental.

5. Let Go of the Outcome

Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to reconciliation, unfortunately. Some friendships or relationships will have to end. However, your healing doesn’t depend on the other person’s behavior. Focus on your purity of heart and trust that God will handle the rest.

6. Celebrate Small Wins

As we learned, forgiveness sometimes doesn’t happen with one choice. If the wound is deep and forgiveness seemingly impossible, remember to celebrate your small steps—feeling less anger or simply praying for the strength to forgive. Progress is progress, no matter how small.

A Word of Encouragement

If you’re in the middle of trauma, forgiveness may feel impossible. But remember this: forgiveness is not only about the other person—it’s mainly about you. It’s about letting go of anger and bitterness so that you can walk freely into the life God has for you and cultivate a soft heart. Healing is possible. Resilience is possible. Peace is possible.

Sometimes, the journey to forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Take it one step at a time, lean into the support around you, and trust that God is with you every step of the way. As you choose forgiveness, you’ll discover a strength and freedom you never thought possible.

So, here’s my question: What’s one step you can take today toward forgiveness? Whether it’s journaling, praying, or simply acknowledging your pain, take that step. Jesus wants to touch you today.

You are worthy of healing, and forgiveness is the key that unlocks it.

A way to freedom: Forgiveness

 

References

Crowley, J. P., Denes, A., Ponivas, A., Makos, S., & Whitt, J. (2024). Forgiveness through writing: Exploring the effects of narrative completeness, emotional expression, and physiology on forgiveness. Narrative Inquiry : NI, 34(1), 161-190. https://doi.org/10.1075/ni.20017.cro

Fincham, F. D., & Maranges, H. M. (2024). Psychological perspectives on divine forgiveness: Seeking divine forgiveness.Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1256402-1256402. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1256402

Kasprzak, A., & Martínez-Díaz, M. P. (2025). Assessment of forgiveness in couple relationships: Adaptation of the marital offense-specific forgiveness scale (MOFS) to a spanish sample. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 51(1), e12738. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12738

Quinney, B., Wenzel, M., Thai, M., Okimoto, T., & Woodyatt, L. (2024). Is it genuine or pseudo-forgiveness? offenders’ appraisals of victims’ expressed forgiveness as a function of engagement in co-reflection. International Review of Social Psychology, 37(1), 15-15. https://doi.org/10.5334/irsp.887